"I want you back....."
My heart skipped a beat; I wanted her, really wanted her. But the superficial scars on my arms still hadn't healed, and the ones on my left wrist still hurt like hell.
"I don't know, Des......." I said.
"I've......changed. Everyone misses you; especially Jessica." She said. God I missed that kid. That little girl melted my heart far more than her big sister Desiree melted my soul.
"I still don't trust you. I've been alone out here, trying to get my head clear. I'm sure you haven't." I said.
"I went on a couple of dates; but it just didn't feel right." She said.
"With who?" I cried.
"Jessie."
Jessie. The guy who was calling her when I was at work. The guy who was setting up dates on her voice mail. The guy she swore was some creepy surfer dude who hung around at her work and totally turned her off, That Jessie....
"I gotta go......." I hung up the phone before she could protest.
I KNEW it! I KNEW what had been going on; as soon as I'm gone, she's on to the next!
The phone rang and I unplugged it. My body felt as if it were electrified, I needed to get numb in a hurry.
I put on some clothes and got into the Eagle. Putting it in drive I headed up the desolate highway to Beaver for some vodka. Booker was in a dry county; you had to cross the state line to get any kind of alcohol. We never had any thing like that in Kuta Bali......Welcome to redneck central.....
back home I mixed the vodka with some vanilla coke and downed a large glass, then another. I tried to get online to talk to someone, some of my invisible "friends", but nobody was on.
The alcohol was hitting me pretty quick and my thoughts turned to Denpasar. I kept thinking about the knife.....I looked at my wrist; the scars were bright red and the scabs had just recently fallen off.
I missed her. No one had ever been that close to me in my entire life. The was a time when it was all good; but was it REALLY? She would get pissy if I didn't answer a question the way SHE wanted me to. She got more and more violent when she was drunk; I had the scars to prove it. There was the cheating.........There was the sex....God there was sex! Everywhere, ANYwhere, hard soft, whatever. But there was the sex with other guys when I wasn't receiving it. There was the abortion. The murder of my baby. How could I even THINK about going back to her? To THAT?!
I looked around the room; empty. No couch, no t.v., no table, no chairs, no fridge, snow blowing in through the sliding glass door. This was the most expensive rental in Booker at $500 a month. FAR less than the dump I was renting in Alpine for $1,750 a month........
It was 9pm, far too early for bed; but there was nothing else to do.
My face was numb.
I slapped my cheeks hard to see how much I could feel.
I finished the 2 liter of vanilla coke and figured I needed to go the 2 blocks to get some more. I stumbled outside in the -2* cold and decided the better of it.
I climbed into the Summit and turned on the radio. I must have listened to "Mr. Brightside" for at least a half an hour.
What was this shit?! I USED to be strong; I was the one whom always said I would never let a woman crush me. I used to put down my brother, my best friend, my uncle after seeing how crushed they were by a mere woman.
"I owe them a big apology." I slurred to myself.
How could she do this to me? How could I let her do this to me? I wanted to be dead so badly, but I wasn't weak enough to actually kill myself. I prayed for the Lord to take me.
I lay in the snow, staring at the full moon in just my pyjama bottoms. I don't know how long I lay there, but I prayed over and over again for the Lord to take me. I didn't want to, COULDN'T bear this any longer; I wanted to die.
Jesus loves me, I know.
He wouldn't take me that night. He had bigger plans for me.
I went inside and watched an old vhs of the Care Bears until I fell sleep.