You Think This Is Stupid?

Dear friends don't worry. You think this is stupid, its not.
I wish I could make you understand every single thought running through my head driving me to this point, pulling me, all but demanding me to go there.
There's no one word, no one way to describe it. It hurts me yes, but it also brings me joy, it makes me cry, makes me cut myself, makes me bleed scream and lash out.
But there's so much more to it that I can't begin to explain.
Please listen dear friends; please don't hate me for what I have to say, what I have to do, what words I carelessly scrawl down in an effort to make you understand.

I'm broken, broken into pieces to small for you to comprehend, you can’t help me put them together. And I can’t help myself.
So please understand that I'm already gone, already forever lost to this world. A shell can only do so much, and this shell has reached its limits.
My pieces are scattered, some I don't even recognize, some I don't want to take back, and some, my friends, you are smashing even further.
Please understand that I'm sorry, that this is what I feel I must do, please understand this is my salvation, this is what I want, this will make me happy.
Please don't think that I'm selfish.

If anything you are the ones that are greedy asking me to stay where I can not, if anything you are the ones that are heartless.
Bounding me to a world that holds no place for me. My broken soul wants free from this torment, hell would be a relief.
Heaven I can not ask for, I have no right to even set eyes upon such a happy place.
Ironically I speak of things in which I do not believe, that's right in my world there is no heaven or hell, I do not believe in god or satan, I do not capitalize their names in respect for in my mind their merely an idea, not a person.
I do not go to church, I do not pray or hope that god shows mercy on me, because he never has and I don't think he ever will.

Please dear friends, bear with me. Have you ever wanted to just make it all go away, that's what I'm doing.
Have you ever wanted a break, that's what I'm getting. Have you ever wanted to prove that you’re right, worth something, that's what I'm doing.
Dear friends I know you all at one point have wished you were dead, that one point hasn't stopped for me, nor will it until I die, I'm just making my every dream, come true.
Please don't hate me for that.